Jose’, my husband and I have a Double Wide Trailer Park House rule…if it’s more than six months old and it is painful or hurtful, you’re not allowed bring it up. Forget it! It never happened.
However, (sing it like the church lady)…. if it’s funny, delightful, insightful or entertaining…then tell the story as many times as you want!
Since we’ve both been through some nasty divorce break-ups and there is enough drama and tears to fill an entire ocean. The six month rule has literally saved our marriage.
A few months back, while shopping at the mall for him some “birthday shoes,” he starts pulling me towards a Crocs store. Now, I know what you’re gonna say. They’re great! They’re comfortable! They’re durable! They’re a good value!…whatever. Without any disrespect to my homosexual male friends, I think they’re effeminate as hell for straight men to wear outside of the hospital setting. Period.
At my query, “Don’t you think they’re a little effeminate?” followed by “Ok, we’ll go in and look,” my husband scoffs and pulls me the other direction. Ok, it’s my opinion…and now I’ve got to endure 6 months of this story because he felt hurt. Please Hurry September!
Same story for the flying water bottle. As he walked across the hotel room we currently live in, I pitched an empty water bottle at him…hit him in the neck. Perfect aim. Oh Lord, you would think I had hit him in the head. What he didn’t realize, while he was whining like a 4 year old, was that I initially planned to nail him between the eyes, but at the last minute, thought better of it and hit him in the neck. Ok…another 6 months in the hole. Dammit.
But here’s one of the good ones! It’s about my ex…and it’s funny as all get out. At least my Momma, Mawdine, thinks so.
Once upon a time, in a marriage, far, far away…..We once had a little ginger colored miniature daschund named appropriately, Ginger.
The wind, a blowing leaf, her own fart. She was in the back yard barking and it was on my very last nerve.
The shock collar we had purchased didn’t seem to affect her barking at all. So, I removed it from the dog with the idea of changing the battery…it MUST be the battery, I reasoned.
As I laid the collar on the kitchen counter I simultaneously answered a phone call, the call of the dryer, and the call of an 8 year old with a skinned knee. The dog barking the entire time! Frustrated and angry at the barking dog, I barked at my ex as he entered the door to do “something” about that dog!
As he inspected the shock collar, I stated the batteries must be out and needed changing because the dog continued to bark with the collar in place.
Before I knew it….he picked up the shock collar, placed it to his own neck…and barked twice!
His eyes got the size of saucers as he flung the collar across the kitchen floor and said expletives that would make a sailor blush.
He was drooling and holding his neck and screaming at me for letting him do that!
Immediately, I fell into laughter as did our daughter at the ridiculousness of his rant and the whole situation.
He grumbled off to the back yard to place the collar back on the dog…which, once again, had no effect.
I still laugh every time I get a chance to tell this story.
No six month rule in place. Touché’.
The bottle hit me in the HEAD, almost knocked me unconscious…
Having known this “ex”……..I am literally on the floor laughing my — off! I can see it happening!! Priceless! Just proves he was a dog all along!!