Chlorine and the Church Purse Throw down
Not too very long ago, my FAVORITE cousin, Chlorine, and I had a throw down at church over who had the most useful items in her purse.
It began when someone came to our table and asked for a pen. Well, we both went to purse diving like a professional dumpster diver (our very own Thriftine!) and came up with several pens each. When I exclaimed that I even had a Sharpie…it was on.
Chlorine’s eyes glazed over as she fingered a fancy looking pencil and asked, with a long southern drawl and a twinkle in eye, if I had a Mary Kay eye pencil. I replied I did not, but I would see her Mary Kay eye pencil and raise her with several colored Sharpies that could possibly have multi use as either eye or lip liner. You ever seen a Chola-girl? Then you know what I mean! See Chola girl picture below if you don’t!
Chlorine pulled out her I-phone (hey! Just cause we live in a Trailer Park doesn’t mean we don’t need to be connected! Don’t judge…they’re not Obamaphones…we paid for them ourselves!)…However, I trumped her with my I-phone with upgraded 326 ppi camera and built in flash light!
I then presented matches from an assortment of restaurants, including matches from the (at the present time, thought to be permanently closed Candle Lite Inn; but Thank You Jesus and Alan Petsche for the resurrection of the Candle Lite Inn!)…only to be outdone by Chlorine’s multiple matchbooks and a cool yellow Ed Hardy lighter!
She then slammed a pocket knife on the table that I easily over rid with my Swiss Army Knife, complete with wine bottle opener. A prized possession of mine given to me by the late Uncle Hooter Bob and my “almost” switch blade knife Jose’ brought me from Korea.
By this time the frenzied throw-down had drawn a crowd of on lookers, ok maybe 3 or 4 people were paying attention to our silliness.
Then she pulled out the tissues, 3 different packages and I have to admit, hers were cuter with little designs on the package than any I had in my purse.
Tissues lead to hand sanitizer. And yet again, hers was the better smelling kind. Alas, my Germ-X was no match for her Raspberry Pink Peony hand sanitizer from Bath and Body Works.
Almost simultaneously we both pulled out a tape measure, akin to two cowboys in a shoot-out at the O.K. Corral.
She had safety pins. But, I had safety pins of all sizes and assortment, even the little tiny baby gold ones, attached to one of them jumbo Momma-hoonie safety pins. Neither one of us had a Diaper pin.
I had a few Band aids, with packaging I’ll admit had seen better days…and she had disposable Baby Wipes.
Chlorine had a complete zippered leopard nail kit that beat my finger nail clippers and emery board to a pitiful painful pulp.
Just when I was afraid she would pull out a “Chicken La-La” casserole out of that big old bag… the envy of any Southern Nazarene Church social (recipe to be shared soon)…
Ta-da! I found the Coup de grâce!
A one way valve, mouth-to-mouth oral resuscitation device for Emergency Responders!!! I had won.
With perfect humility and good sportsmanship…Chlorine laid her very expensive Coach handbag down on the table and at that very moment, raised both hands in the air with palms out and began to wave her arms up and down, bending at the waist with her whole body, in deference to me….the ruling Queen!
It’s good to be a Self-Proclaimed Renaissance Trailer Park Queen.
Monty Hall would be so proud.